“So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will), or that there are worse things in the world (there are). But that is not what I actually needed. What I needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered.” –John Green (from goodtherapy.org).
Over and over throughout my days in facilitating cancer support groups, and now in private practice, I hear: Why do I want to cry the second I sit down in here?
Because, sweet friend, you are hurt. You are sad. You are shattered, and in my office, that is okay. For one hour, you get distance from the tough façade and the ideas of how you should be coping or acting.
This pervasive and corrosive belief that happiness is directly correlated with strength is not helping our relationships or our wellbeing. The truth is that the most resilient people I know are happy, sad, moody, joyful, angry, and hurt at times. They know this is human. It is their acknowledgement of these feelings that makes them resilient! Strong people are not without negative thoughts or feelings. Rather, they have learned to recognize them, can tolerate their discomfort, and can find a path out.
The strong have decided not to accept the messages of, “you should be positive about this,” “look on the bright side,” or “with the right attitude you can beat this.” They have simply revised who it is that they share the tough stuff with. They understand that all of the “shoulds” and “oughts” likely come from a positive intention, but they have a negative impact and don’t have to land. They realize that people who put pressure on them to have a positive attitude are speaking from their anxiety, and they have no idea what to say. As listeners, the strong will take a deep breath after hearing of someone’s pain. Instead of beginning to speak and hope their brain will catch up and give them the words, they pause and say, “thank you for telling me. How are you with this.”
If I hear the words: You have cancer. Your dad had a heart attack. Your unborn baby has no heartbeat. Your spouse has been unfaithful. Your house is being foreclosed upon. Your job is being eliminated.
I’m going to need the people in my life who can sit in that with me. I need the people who will let me be sad, angry, hurt and scared. I’ll share my story with the people who have earned the right to hear it, and know I’ll be happy again someday. Just not right now.
They know they can’t fix it, so they don’t try.
Let’s stop trying to fix people. Let’s let them be scared and angry. Let’s show up for our people, hear them, and love them through their battles.
~Caylen
The Imperfect Therapist 