Author: ritamcgaw

 Caylen Sunderman and Rita McGaw, both Marriage and Family Therapists, moms, wives, do-ers of life!

As ‘Imperfect Therapists,’ we have seen our share of struggles in the past year!  The struggles have been intense and painful, and there has been so much goodness in between.  Through moves, miscarriage, difficult work situations, hard family situations, incredibly painful pet losses, and more, we’ve learned over and over that we have little control over what we will be dealt this year.  However, every struggle has taught us something about how to do life better, and as we look at the year ahead of us, we put our heads together to come up with ideas for having best 2016 ever!

Expect challenges!

What if we stopped hoping and wishing for a “better year?”  What if we accepted that hard times are part of being human?  That is not to mean we have to prepare for doom and gloom, but if we make the paradigm shift from, “I hope good things happen,” to “good things will happen and hard things will too,” we might be less reactive when the crap hits the fan.  One of the fundamental pieces of successful therapy is when people prepare for challenges, expect them, and are equipped to handle them.  It doesn’t mean it is pretty or neat, and it doesn’t insulate them from feeling the pains of life.  It simply means they’ve developed an ability to “sit with” the pain instead of react to it, and in that process have found a liberating resilience.  I expect that the coming year will be full of challenges.  I also know that it is possible to be happy and fulfilled through those challenges, but I have to be intentional about it.

Learn about yourself!

You may think you know yourself, but do you?  Have you looked at the way you act or react and decided what serves you and what hurts you (or those around you)?  Take a personality test, talk it out with a friend, visit a therapist, whatever you are up for.  The more you learn about yourself, the more control you can have over the way you react to hardships, and you can be proactive about your life instead of reactive.  For example, I’m an introvert, and I’ve always thought that was a negative part of my personality (my husband would probably still say it is!).  However, learning about my personality style has helped me begin to see where being alone and buried in a book is serving and filling for me and when it is actually numbing and/or isolating.  Understanding the tendencies of introverted people has helped me understand how I parent, how I react to stress, and how I do friendships.

Here are a couple links to some great personality tests:

MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator)

Enneagram Personality Test (Free Version)

Decide what you want to be different in your life first, then set goals to get there!

Theories of change state that we will make a major change when the pain of being the way we are (sad, angry, depressed, overweight, addicted, abused, abusive) outweighs the pain it will take to make a change (calling a friend, repairing a relationship, losing weight, eating well, getting help for addiction, leaving a relationship).  There is pain in both of those situations: there is pain in the things we are doing, and there is pain involved with making a change.  We make big changes when we decide we will take on the pain of change because we simply can not live “this way” any longer.

We’ve all heard, or set for ourselves, the common resolutions: I’m going to the gym 4 days a week, I’m not eating sugar, I’m not drinking, I’m going to bed by 10pm.  The cliché resolution will start to slack by February and be a distant memory by April.  It will be much more helpful to look at how you want your life to be different, and then create a structure to make that happen.  If you want to be healthy, then you can set up a plan to get there.  If you have visualized a healthier you, and have committed to make that happen, you’re more likely to meet the goals that you set for yourself.  If your goal is to connect with your kids, it will be easier to sit down and play a game with them than it would be if you were simply fulfilling a goal.  If your goal is to be healthy so that you can run around with your kids, it will be more motivating than deciding you have to go to the gym five days a week.

~Caylen (read on for Rita’s words of major wisdom!)

HURRY UP AND RELAX

I just speed dated two of my closest friends. We live in different states and don’t see each other much these days. I call them (or text them because I’m shit on the phone) when I am feeling panicked, excited, trapped or triggered but I don’t get to be in their physical presence very often.

We were in the same room together yesterday for about 3 hours. I left my baby with the husband and rolled out with my oldest -who is 4. One of my friends also has kids the same age and they were waiting to welcome us with open arms- strung out on Christmas, over-stimulated and over sugared (much like mine)- but ready non-the-less. The kids were able to play together without constant interaction from us…after about 2 hours. During that first two hours we covered, marriage, health, life goals, dreams for the future, fashion, parenting, cooking, drinking, holistic vs western medicine, self-care, and the holiday family review all while managing, redirecting, feeding and placating three 4ish year olds. The last hour was spent delving into ideological therapeutic goals and life stuff.

We all listened fiercely and spoke with intention.

This Urgency to connect, to be inspired, to evolve, to engage…THIS is what I hope for in the New Year. Life is hard and beautiful and a lot of mundane shit can get in the way of true connection.

Let’s be Urgent. Let’s live Fiercely and Urgently. Let’s connect Fiercely and Urgently in this New Year. Let’s choose to privilege and make time for the people who truly fill our cup, for the hobbies, jobs, life pursuits, food, clothes, mountains…that have us feel vibrant and connected to something honest. I don’t mean urgent in a sense of rushing around and doing things quickly – I mean Urgency of Spirit.

Be Urgent in your Spirit this New Year– Urgent to feel the passion of connection around the things/people that excite you. This is my wish for myself, and all of us.

Peace & Love Y’all.

R

I read hundreds of suspected child abuse reports. They are called SCAR’s. There are a lot of them. A LOT.

Besides the obvious outrage and disgust here is how they remind me to be present…

I think about the guy in the grocery store who wouldn’t let me use his discount card when I forgot mine, or the lady at the café who was rude to the waitress because her toast wasn’t toasted enough. No one really knows what is going on for someone else. I’m not excusing rude behavior, I’m just suggesting that we can choose our reaction to it grounded in love and understanding rather than anger and justice. Shit gets heavy pretty quickly for a lot of little people. Our brains are wired to believe in the life we are given from a very young age. Re-training that world view when it is full of hate, shame, physical, emotional and sexual abuse takes time and space and love.

We all have ‘triggers’ that we aren’t aware of. Things that remind us of a time or place that has guilt, shame, anger, outrage peace, joy etc…attached. Sometimes the feeling comes over us and we have no idea why. It could be that when your first boyfriend kissed you in the movie theatre instead of joy you felt afraid. Now, when your current boyfriend (who you love) kisses you in the movie theatre you react negatively, he feels rejected, you feel angry, and no one knows what just happened. Imagine if the memory recalled in a feeling was something horrific and your perpetrator was supposed to be a protector. You might be a little snippy too.

We are all in this together. Really. All the joy and all the pain connect us in ways we struggle to understand. I’ll tell you this though, those kids I read about and interact with don’t exist in a vacuum. We all know them whether we are cognizant of it or not. Our collective human Spirit is capable of acknowledging the pain that exists in others. We may not be thanked for it and we may not know exactly what their pain is or where it comes from AND we can reach to our higher self to know that when someone is angry or mean or acting like an ass face it’s because they are afraid, anxious or sad in some way for some reason. Not everyone has trauma in their life story but we all have sadness around something and it’s the same emotion. We have different content in our stories but the process is the same.

I challenge you to be a little softer, give more grace, be more open, love harder and open to the possibility that we create each other.

rita. x

I promise I won’t go on a rant right now about our society and the sickness it propagates through standardized tests, fast food, prescription medication, video games, plastic, violence, complete and utter misrepresentation of healthy sexual expression…just to name a few. SO, I’ll just say this:

IF you and/or your children are unhappy but aren’t sure what to try next…take it on back to the basics ya’ll.

Go on Walks

Even if you find that your weekly grind doesn’t allow for much space. A walk around the block as a family after tea time calms the anxiety in us all and connects us to each other instead of the stress of our day. Find hiking trails, go to the beach, walk around the neighborhood, go on a bike ride, stretch, do yoga. Create opportunity to connect. Connection to nature, our bodies and each other allows us to make space for understanding and forgiveness.

Notice the little things

EVERY day your partner does something for you and/or for your children that is selfless and wonderful. Notice it, acknowledge it and be grateful. Model being grateful to your children. They see you…

Say YES

If your girlfriend calls and asks if your free to grab a coffee on your way to work because she found 30 extra minutes in her schedule…SAY YES. No, you don’t have time, no you aren’t free, but SAY YES anyway because she asked and she loves you and she gets it and you will feel restored and ready for another day.

Turn off the TV…better yet throw out the TV and MAKE STUFF.

I can’t stress this one enough. I know it seems like a sacrilege, I get it, I really do. I’ve watched more Law and Order than I care to admit. However, when we got rid of our TV we noticed a peace come over our evening activities. We play more music, make more art, build more tents, read more books and take a lot more deep breaths. ALL of these things help build foundational connectedness while fostering growth of Mind, Body and Spirit individually AND as a UNIT.

Cook for each other

Take time to make a healthy meal and fill it with love. Sit down to the table and eat this meal. Say some form of “grace” thanking the Universe, God, each other for your love and blessings. Gathering over a meal is a time honored way to join in communion with our loved ones and share our stories of the day. In other words, a way to tell each other YOU MATTER even though I’m busy.

UNPLUG

Just BEING seems so difficult these days. Honestly ask yourself when was the last time you spent 2 hours with your partner/children without checking your phone? I’m not sitting in judgement. I’m guilty. But that’s the beautiful part about admitting guilt, it’s then that we can grow and change and evolve. Admitting to something that makes us feel shameful and guilty can be so freeing because the admission lets us see a way out. We have to choose to be different. Choose to grow. Choose the hard thing.

Now, go love each other UP!! x