Caylen Sunderman, M.S., LMFT
The holidays are an interesting an intense season. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, my days in November and December are spent preparing individuals, couples and families for challenging holiday seasons, all while I’m preparing for my own. As we’re all too familiar with, firefighters work holidays, and can even get held over for overtime. This is true for many professions including police officers, healthcare workers, prison guards, security, first responders, and many more. Fire families make many sacrifices for the job, most of the time happily so. If you’re feeling the stress of the holidays or missing your man/woman, here are some tips to grab ahold of the holiday season and be intentional about making it the best it can be:
1. Show your appreciation to your partner, every day. Even if you aren’t feeling jolly and lovey. We all do hard things, but firefighters (police, doctors, nurses, etc) do a different kind of challenging job. It is emotionally challenging, it’s physically challenging, it’s stamina challenging. Try to acknowledge your appreciation for your partner every day, on shift or not. A posture of appreciation will not be lost on them, and they will pick up on it and ideally return the appreciation! Be the happy that they need to recover from a hard shift.
2. Vow to not say something negative to your partner! Start with 24 hours of this challenge, because this is harder than it seems. If it is not kind, don’t say it. If it is critical, attacks their character, or is a known weak spot for them, don’t say it. This can actually be incredibly challenging, and can quickly make you aware of how much you say that isn’t helpful or is downright harmful.
3. Make your own tradition! We do three different family Christmases, and we have begun to schedule our own private Christmas as well. It doesn’t have to be on Christmas, but being intentional about celebrating will give you a sense of control and normalcy when you don’t get to see your partner for a day (or two or three) at a time.
4. Take time for yourself! I am a former EMT myself, and I remember taking my clinical boards. We literally had to state out loud, “the scene is safe, and I’m wearing PPE (personal protective equipment).” If we didn’t, we were docked immediately. Firefighters must take care of themselves in order to take care of other people! They don’t crawl into a teetering car to rescue until the car is stabilized. If they get hurt, they can’t rescue anyone. Now, for house fires, a safe scene is a different kind of “safe”, but when it is evident that it is too dangerous, they get out.
As for family, this is true for all of us, though were raised to believe that self care is selfish. It’s not, it’s essential.nif we aren’t “ok,” it’s very difficult to enjoy and be present with family, friends, or even yourself. Do what you need to do to be okay so that you can grab ahold of the precious time with your firefighter. Sometimes our partners help us be ok, and that is wonderful! Just make sure you’re doing your self care as well. It tends to go out the window in December. (Ideas for self care: get enough sleep, get some kind of exercise, get outdoors, pray/meditate, read inspiring books, stay hydrated, eat as best you can and regularly, and connect with people who lift you up).
5. Practice gratitude! Practicing gratitude for the small things actually fundamentally shifts our attitude and awareness. Start a gratitude journal between the two of you or your whole family. Each person writes in the shared journal one or two things they’re grateful for each day (that you’re home). These don’t have to be big sweeping gestures, you can be grateful for fleece-lined leggings, coffee, and Netflix series watched as a couple. Most of our life is lived in the small moments, so let’s grab them, be present, and be grateful. It’s also fun to look back at your journals. I give my clients gratitude journals and have had such a positive response, especially if couples do them together.
6. Plan to give (time, attention, skills, resources, service, money) to someone less fortunate. Uniting around empathetic gestures can be profoundly connecting! We drive around the areas known for homeless people and give cookies, food, gift cards, or cash. We began doing that when we were making very little money and it was an incredible experience. Empathy and compassion are a quick and easy to take us out of our own woes and complaints and gives us perspective and a warm heart!
7. LAUGH TOGETHER! From a neuroscience perspective, everything we do impacts our brain activity. Closing your eyes, clenching your jaw, reading… Literally everything affects our brain waves. Laughing forces us to be present in the moment and in that we loosen our grip on the stress, the hurt, the anger. In our practice, using the research from Dr. Brene Brown, we encourage people to find laughter and play for their lives in relationships. Play a prank. Do Karaoke. Get together with fun friends. Play a funny game. Like most things in life, if we don’t become intentional about making it happen, it might not happen.
Be loving, be intentional with appreciation, and enjoy the holiday season!
The Imperfect Therapist 