From The Therapist’s Chair: HOW TO BE AN AMAZING LISTENER!

LISTENING FOR CONNECTION

 

Recently in my private practice, a client and I were preparing for her to “graduate therapy.”  We were discussing her growth, articulating what she has learned, and reflecting on the identity work she had done.  She said, “what has helped me so much is simply the experience of being “heard,” and feeling that what I’m saying really does matter.  I want to be a better listener.  I want to listen like therapists listen, and learn to empathize with accuracy.”  I teach this to my graduate students early in their therapy training: that the solid foundation of a client/therapist relationship begins with simply “holding space” for a client, truly listening, being present, validating, and empathizing. However, clinicians train intensely in those skills for years before they come naturally.

There are different listening situations in which we can find ourselves unsure how to maneuver.  Do we really understand when someone is asking for advice versus when they want to share a story?  Can we tell if they are upset and need for us to fix the situation, or if they’re venting?  Oftentimes, people can not tell the differences, and the listener is only partly to blame.  The speaker doesn’t always know what is motivating them to communicate and this can go downhill quickly.  True conversation and connection is the best way to enrich your relationships.  In his book, “Lost Connections,” Johann Hari suggests that depression and anxiety are both symptoms that stem from the same problem: deep disconnection with those around us.  He suggests we’ve lost the art of having each other’s backs, creating a culture of surface communication and deep loneliness.  We have to appreciate all of what communication entails, because discussing the hard stuff is just as essential as the belly laughs.  Presence in hard conversations is what communicates, “you matter to me.”  A good listener can demonstrate deep caring and appreciation without saying the “right thing,” or anything at all!

FIVE TIPS FOR LISTENING AND CONNECTION

1. Take a deep breath.

When someone is laying out a disturbing situation, we get anxious! Our heart races, our face gets warm, and we are freaking out and thinking, “I have no idea what to say here.” Most of us want to fix this for our friend, and we are unable to do so. The anxiety grows and then takes over our mouth, and we begin speaking loads of what I like to call WORD VOMIT! “God has a plan! Everything happens for a reason! You have to stay positive! Refuse to hear that kind of news! Drink this tea and take these herbs, I heard they cure cancer!” (hint: not a single one of these statements is helpful to someone in distress).  As Brene Brown says, “rarely does a response make a situation better. What makes it better is connection.”

It is important to understand that word vomit comes from a good place. The listener is trying to take a big story and make it manageable. However, they’re only making it manageable for themselves. The speaking partner isn’t benefitting. So when you find yourself in a conversation like this, relax, take some deep breaths, realize this is about connection and not at all about fixing!

2. Consider NOT speaking.

When you feel overwhelmed and unsure what to say, don’t say anything! If someone is delivering news of a partner’s affair and the devastation left in the wake, I suggest you try to simply check in with, “hey. I’m here with you. Tell me more.” A few years ago I attended training with about 20 other therapists where we learned more about emotions focused therapy. One of our activities was to pair up, choose a traumatic story to tell, and tell the story for ten minutes while our partner sat and listened. The listening therapist was to not say anything. In this exercise, I realized two things: 1. I actually tune out the person speaking when I’m already thinking about what I want to say in response, and 2. it is possible to encourage someone and support them with your eyes, facial expression, and nods. You can encourage someone with just your eyes, and signal to them to keep going!  As I kept quiet, my partner kept talking because I wasn’t stopping to ask questions or expand on something.  Because I didn’t interrupt, she was able to follow her thought process and expand more upon the situation, and finished the story with more insight.

We have our graduate students video themselves in their internships.  They are providing real therapy for about 16 months, beginning only 8 months after they begin their training, and are required to take video of themselves in every session.  We know they’ll to be anxious, we don’t expect that they’ll know what to do or say, and we haven’t taught them much theory yet (which informs what therapists do and say).  We DO expect them to learn how their own anxiety can derail a conversation.  We expect they’ll notice when they’re talking, but have lost their client.  We challenge them to sit in quiet, in their anxiety, and be more silent.  It’s easy to talk freely.  It is very difficult to sit in silence and trust that the pregnant pause will allow deeper connection and trust to be birthed.

When people step into our story by responding or giving feedback, we feel like we have to adjust it (speed it up, make sense of it, explain the back story, etcetera).  But when they sit with us in our story, let us know we’re loved and safe, we can speak freely.  We may continue the story past the usually cut off point, we may talk about the impact of the situation, we may talk about future fears, and even what we need from other people… if someone just lets us talk.

3. Do not try to make it safe or simple!

In my office, I teach people how to “sit with” the uncomfortable, scary, and awkward. We affectionately call it the USA. Most of us have not been trained to hear hard things without taking over the discussion with platitudes. When we hear, “I have cancer,” we immediately work to make the person stronger and help them to feel safer, or at least we think we do. We hope we are making it better, but in fact, we are creating distance and likely causing the other person to feel isolated because they don’t feel as motivated as we do. I’ve heard a person with breast cancer discuss her experience in telling her family. “Breast cancer? Oh that’s nothing these days. They’ll cut those things off and you’ll be good as new. You’ll be fine.” This person was appalled because in reality, it is a brutal and lengthy process of chemo, surgery, radiation, and eventually reconstruction. She knew what she was in for, and when a family member minimized to that level, she immediately chose to no longer be honest with this person.

We simplify the complex and painful situations to make ourselves feel better, and don’t even realize how powerful that motivation is.  So many have “fixer” or “helper” deeply embedded in their identity and don’t like to feel helpless, so they move in to “fix.”  There is a devastating effect to this: through good intentions of improving mood or morale, we may be actually insinuating that a complex situation is simple, and the person *just* needs to think differently, make a simple change, see a different doctor, etc.  We must respect that most human problems are actually very complex and that most people have tried to solve them.  Cancer, divorce, job loss, depression….  none of it is simple.  None of it can be fixed with a response.  The most valuable response we can offer is when we learn to NOT try to fix or help, but to respond meaningfully and with genuine care and concern.  

4. Keep the focus of the conversation on THEM!

How many times has the following scenario played out for you in some manner:

Person 1: I rear-ended someone last night, it was terrifying! I’m a mess today and can’t believe I wasn’t paying attention and let that happen.

Person 2: Oh my gosh. I know what you mean. Don’t you remember when I did that in college?   I was driving home from class and was on the phone, and I totally didn’t realize traffic had stopped. I looked up and my heart literally stopped! I hit the car so hard my airbags blew and …. blah blah blah.

You get the idea. If you find yourself telling a story, you’ve taken over the conversation and it’s likely your partner is feeling unheard and uncared for. They are sharing something with you and need for you to lean in to their experience, not educate them or tell them your experience. We often turn into experts when someone shares something with us, and most of the time, this is not what they need! If you hear yourself ME TOO-ing or ONE UP-ing, slow down and come back with a question to focus on your friend’s experience. They don’t want an expert or to hear about your cousin’s neighbor’s wife and her experience with miscarriage. They want for you to hear their experience about miscarriage.

5. Choose your words carefully.

If our conversation partner is about to share some heavy news, they are already watching us and scanning to make sure we are a safe person. They’ve decided we’ve earned the right to hear their story, so they divulge. This is a privilege! It is an honor to be let into someone’s pain. It means that we are a safe and special person to be asked into the grief or intensity of one’s life. The best words are those that are reflective, connective, and/or encourage them to keep talking. Here are some of my go-tos:

• What is this like for you?
  • With this, you’re not assuming how they feel. You’re asking, and allowing them to express possible ambiguity instead of showering them with our own experience, or our guess at their experience.
• How do we feel about this?
  • This is one of my favorites! This was once said to me by a friend when I told her I was pregnant. She asked me, “and how do we feel about this?” It was so impactful because she said WE, and I immediately felt like she was in it with me. She also asked instead of assumed, and the truth was that I was really struggling. I was really sick, and having a miserable time, and still trying to wrap my head around it. Her response gave me space to express the frustration and the fears, and she listened.
• Tell me more.
  • This is vague and open-ended, and one may begin unpacking some serious emotional baggage with this simple question. They may respond with, “about what, specifically?” To which I reply, “whatever is weighing on your heart.” Give them permission to keep talking, unpacking, and expressing.
• I don’t even know what to say right now, I’m just so glad you told me.
  • This is from RSA short animation that was created around Brene Brown’s TED talk. It discusses sympathy vs. empathy, and this is a line she uses. I love it because it says, “I can handle my anxiety so keep talking because you matter to me.”  If you  haven’t watched it, it’s a must see. You’ll find it here.

What I hope you can understand is this: the true blessing in friendship is when someone sits with us in our pain and allows us to feel it.  They understand that pain is part of life, and it can not and should not be minimized or distracted from.  Anything that distracts from pain or grief can COMPLICATE it.  You see, the real blessing is when someone gives you space and love from their heart, as opposed to their advice, their stories, or their platitudes.

Go forth and love on each other!