The people I see in my practice are the wounded well. They are those who have been through pain at all levels but have managed to transcend their trauma and are looking for the next step in healing. They are women, men, couples, and children who want something different, even if they don’t know what that difference looks or feels like.
The most common conversation I have is this: What if it is okay to be not okay? What if who you are right now is enough? Most of us ache for some validation and normalization.
The 13th century poet and theologian, Rumi, believed that everyone is hiding a secret. Not always a scary or dark secret, but rather a common, pervasive and dangerous secret.
We see the secret as shame.
“I’m not enough. I’ll be enough when I {get a new job, finish school, get married, lose the extra weight, make better money}”. It’s draining, dangerous, and shrouds you in layers of thick skin. Thick skin is good, right? Not when you want to be different and improve yourself and your relationships.
You may be familiar with the popular researcher and clinician, Dr. Brene Brown. She articulates the intangibles that deeply impact our well-being, such as shame, vulnerability and authenticity. She believes that there is one thing shame can NOT survive: CONNECTION.
Why don’t we connect?
SHAME. You see the cycle?
I’m reading an passionate and articulate book by Elizabeth Lesser called Broken Open. One of my current favorite passages is this: “we are embarrassed by our human traits. We tell ourselves that we don’t have time to go into the gory details; don’t know each other well enough; don’t want to appear sad, confused, weak, or self-absorbed. Better to keep under wraps our nutty and neurotic sides.”
“Our pain, fear and longing, in the absence of connection, becomes alienation and competition.” (Lesser).
She proposes that we are all protecting the same story, and that in order to feel different, we need to allow others a glimpse of ourselves.
Rita and I wholeheartedly agree with this, and I’d add this: What if we offered ourselves a glimpse of ourselves first… without cringing? What if we said, “Hey, self. It’s okay to not be okay right now.” If we acknowledge our own experience, however scraggly and moody and messy, we can then be available for real connection.
Dr. Brown defines connection as being seen, heard and valued. When we don’t or can’t see ourselves and be self-compassionate, we go into relationships with unrealistic expectations of connection.
So, it’s ok. Even if you’re depressed, fighting with your husband, your kids are driving you nuts, it’s ok. When you privilege connection over shame, crazy good things can happen!
~Caylen
The Imperfect Therapist 